Big Belly, Big Nose
by jinkiez
Summary: Short, pointless Kyle vs. Cartman.


_Did you notice that the kids on South Park seem to not have noses? But I bet if they did, they would probably give Kyle a big one, because, you know why :P_

* * *

"Cartman, you're such a fat fuck! You probably eat 10 pounds of food a day!" Kyle shouted at his enemy. Or frienemy, depending on the time of day. Right now, he was an enemy.

"Oh yeah, well at least I'm not a stupid _Jew_!" Cartman retorted. He was seriously getting sick and tired of Kyle calling him fat. He wasn't fat! He was just large boned. And Kyle was obviously jealous for not having such a sweet hockey body himself.

"At least I'm not a racist fatass!" Kyle shouted back. What a _very_ creative comeback, as if Cartman hadn't heard that a million times. He rolled his eyes. "Well, I'd rather be fat than an ugly, big nosed kike."

Kenny and Stan were in the middle, watching with their usual unamusement as they waited for the bus. It was just another typical day in South Park.

"DON'T BELITTLE MY PEOPLE, ASSHOLE!" Kyle yelled, raising a fist. Cartman backed up and waved his hands defensively. "Woah, easy Kyle!" he said. "You don't have to get all upset because you're ugly. You know, there's lots of other people who are hideously ugly too, and they manage to live perfectly normal lives." he assured.

Kyle growled, but he restrained from kicking the fat boy's ass. "I'm not ugly! _You're_ the ugly one! You look like you have a giant zit for a face." At this, Kenny immediately burst into laughter.

"Ay! That's not funny, you piece of shit!" Cartman scoffed.

"Yeah, not funny for you, because it's true!" Kyle mocked, laughing along with Kenny. Even Stan, who had been in a daze throughout the whole time, chuckled.

"Yeah, well...well you look like you have an old man's wrinkly dick for a nose! How's about that?" Cartman snapped, making a crazy mad face. Kyle raised an eyebrow, partially offended and partially grossed out by the image that Cartman had provided.

"How do you know what an old man's dick looks like?" Kenny wondered, giving Cartman a strange look. "SHUT UP KENNEH!" Cartman barked. "It was the only thing I could think of that is gross enough to describe Kyle's revolting physical appearance!"

"Nuh uh. My nose isn't that bad!" Kyle anxiously covered it with his hand, suddenly feeling self conscious.

"I'm afraid it is grotesquely large and rat-like, my friend." Cartman sneered.

"No way!" the boy in question defended. He turned to Stan, who was still staring obliviously into space as he waited for the bus. "Dude, my nose isn't that big, is it?" he asked him desperately.

Stan blinked out of his daze, having missed the question while daydreaming about dolphins. "What?"

"My nose! Is it really big?" Kyle questioned again.

"Uhh.." Stan had to think. He had never really looked at his friend's nose before to wonder if it was big or not. Then again, he was used to seeing Kyle, so it didn't look strange to him. But now that he observed more closely, it _was_ a bit..broad. And it kind of stuck out pretty far. Almost like..a dolphin.

"No dude, it's normal." Stan responded.

"Aha! See, I don't have a big nose, fatass. Even Kenny doesn't think so. Right Kenny?" Kyle nudged Kenny to get him agree. Kenny didn't respond.

"Kenny?" he repeated. "Kenny?"

Cartman burst into laughter. "Hahahaha! Kenny agrees! That's two against one, asshole!"

"Nuh uh! Kenny didn't say anything." Kyle said, his tone going from angry to concerned. "Kenny?" he called again. They watched as Kenny stood motionless, with an empty, gaunt look in his eyes.

Cartman poked him with a stick, and then he exploded.

"Woah!" they all shouted.

The school bus then arrived, and Mrs. Crabtree yelled for them to sit down and shut up. A bird flew out of her hair as she pulled down the road.

"You know why all Jews have big noses?" Cartman continued to torment on the ride to school. Kyle felt himself ready to punch the boy, but he didn't want to get yelled at for causing trouble today, so he tried to keep his anger at bay. Despite ignoring him though, Cartman continued.

"Because they're all related to Pinocchio! Hahaha!" his grin was wide and he was the only one laughing at his own joke. He kicked the seat in front of him where Kyle was sitting. Kyle grit his teeth.

"Get it? Because Jews are such sneaky liars, so their noses just keep growing bigger and bigger!" he continued, chuckling. Kyle's anger was building up and he tried his best to resist giving the fat boy a black eye. Stan looked at him worriedly. "Just ignore him."

"Kahl knows it's true! He lies about everything - he even lies when he says his mom _isn't_ a bitch, which we all know is true-"

"ARGHH!" Kyle's fist flung backwards without him even realizing it, hitting Cartman square in the face. It was more of an involuntary reaction than a planned one.

Cartman immediately grabbed his face in his hands and cried. "Oww! Owww!" He began to sob heavily as blood trickled out of his nose and down his face. "Maaahhhmmm! I want my mom!" he shrieked.

Kyle felt a pang of guilt for a brief moment, but what could he do? The deed had been done.

- _The next day_

Cartman arrived to the bus stop that morning later than usual. His friends studied him with interest as he walked up to the bus stop sign. He had a large bandage around his nose and was trying to cover it with his hands as he walked past them.

"What's that, Cartman?" Stan asked curiously, pointing to the bandage.

"What are you talking about, hippie?" Cartman grumbled with a tired voice.

"That thing on your nose." he continued.

"It's a bandage, you dumb shit!" the fat boy yelled, quickly losing his cool.

"Wow, really?" Kyle snickered. "Well it looks like _you_ have a big nose now."

Cartman's blood began to boil in anger. "It's just swollen, Kyle. " he stated cooly. "If you hadn't been such a dick and punched me in the first place, I wouldn't have had to wear this dumb thing at all! Stupid jew!"

"DON'T BELITTLE MY PEOPLE, FATASS!" Kyle shouted.

"DON'T CALL ME FAT, JEW!"

"DON'T CALL ME A JEW-"

And so another typical day in South park began.


End file.
